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The Years Barely Left a Trace

by TJ Felix

/
1.
i see thru tears my formative years its different here w/o smoke&mirrors i felt so small you punched the wall do i exist at all? or am i a hallucination from your drug withdrawl? it hasnt passed w/time the pain, the grief, the trauma.. is it yours or mine? troubled kid guess he was born that way whipped him into shape, beat him everyday sent him to that school where they teach spirits to break took him away from friends & family then he went astray & then came me go pitch a tent out on the dead lawn stepmom had a fit, cursed the spawn of john she's laughing at my dreams w/the tv on im starving, im stranded, wont somebody tell me that something is wrong.. over & over its all in my mind i dont know whats going on i just know ive been built wrong over & over its under my skin dont know whats going on i am the spawn of john im looking back on all ive lost came out in tact? but at what cost? last in a line of abusive men the choice is mine? will it happen again? it hasnt passed w/time the pain, the grief, the trauma is it yours or mine?
2.
you can confide in me but dont expect a response such hate resides in me what the fuck do you want? im noble im savage (cigar store NDN) youre hopeful im damaged (cigar store NDN) i just stare like a painting w/a single tear in my eye im a fetish, not a friend its certainly your land, not mine here comes death on a painted horse ..a warrior of course im noble im savage (cigar store NDN) youre hopeful im damaged (cigar store NDN) walk w/me thru the debris skyscraper graves tombstone city tried to bury us in history tried to separate us from the ceremonies BUT I'LL RECONNECT W/MY FAMILY & I'LL RECONNECT W/THE LAND
3.
youre in my thoughts but im outta my head closest thing ive ever had to a friend its good to see you getting ahead but i guess i was just a means to an end i want you to be fine closest thing ive had to family i dont mind that im left behind just dont look back on this catastrophe i totally understand if you dont reach out when your back in town outta control & im outta touch how can i come to my senses? a sincere gesture is much to much i'm powerless against my own defenses i tear myself all the way down & inside out im scared that no one ever cared & i'll be so easily forgotten about
4.
some can no longer fight the dust so im gonna bite it they always knew that id burn out but here i go igniting i only have one right in this colonial state to give in & give up the fight surrender myself to my fate to die by my own hand once felt like the only power that i had someday ill go back to my homeland where they buried my mom & dad l weep for all the stolen chances & all the misdirected hate the internalized oppression of living in a colonial state (god bless those who havepity on poor natives in the city & who have the decency to look away when we come out into the light of day..)
5.
jumping from a dumpster running w/the rats (& my mood feels stabilized) squealing when im feeling & ready for combat (&my mood feels stabilized) riding on a manic high & thriving in my habitat it feels like reason i know i make it hard for you to care (& my mood feels stabilized) i undersell & overshare (& my mood feels stabilized) but ive been going thru hell & waking up feels like waging warfare hi howve you been? i swear that ill start listening hit as a kid, afraidd ill say or do the wrong thing but hey, i'll admit, i might not be as bad as i think i'm well on my way to forgiveness
6.
Confliction 02:31
IF IT'S NOT SUFFERING I CANT RELATE CALL ME BROTHER & ILL HESITATE I NEED TO KNOW IM WANTED HERE (IF I CANT COPE) & I CANT DISAPPEAR SO MUCH ABUSE & I JUST HAD TO TAKE IT IM HAUNTED THINKING THAT MOST WONT MAKE IT HOME I WANNA SHARE MY THOUGHTS SO I DONT GO INSANE & SO I DONT HAVE TO FACE THE KILLER BRAIN ALONE RAISED ON RESIGNATION BUT BORN TO PERSEVERE REMAIN IN ISOLATION I FEEL MY ANCESTORS HERE (i could handle this life.. if the world was the size of that closet that they kept me safe in a womb to hold a homesick abortion) startle my eyes w/light & i crawl back into the dark dont leave me here tonight this place is to close to my heart i can handle this pain cause it aint so bad if only it was all i ever had
7.
Cowering 02:57
is it too late to take care of those that have passed? cold dead stare i push back the creeping grass my skull feels like a haunted hot tub full of old friends & pumped w/bad blood world beat up my hands hold them up to my face & have a laugh i gotta disassociate so i can sleep at night i got big dreams to break & putrid loose ends to bite sweet drunken vomit let it sit & melt on my tongue ill cower until i feel alright the pain will last forever there is no reprieve every moment theres deception just leave me alone so i can grieve i took for granted our time together now you hold me & youll never leave bleed out when ours bonds are severed just leave me alone so i can grieve
8.
dont come close im stuck in time hate me most stop crying please come home im stuck inside took a fatal dose watch me die they intervene but it just gets worse (i need to learn to love me first) trauma, trauma feeling like a curse (& i no longer want to feel seen or heard) coming at me fast & i collapse remind me of the past & ill relapse feel im fucked forever & i cant adapt try to comfort me & ill feel trapped i make it hard to love me thats how i survived (the loss of) my family tried to numb out now im paralyzed ive become the void she stares across time at me asking to come home i just need to breathe & believe the myth its not me holding back whos this beast youre fighting with? always ready to attack
9.
i dont care about strangers i feel quite strange its those closest to me that make me afraid desperation screws my face up i hesitate for a state of wonder who knows where this wretched snake will take us all i wanted was a mother to hide under heres the sum of all ive ever felt it doesnt feel accumulated it feels wasted this is where im from indians scattered on a bible belt it doesnt feel accumulated it feels erased from time & i feel devastated ive waited to go back ive waited for their call but it hurt more the closer i got until it felt like drug withdrawl i just need to push thru it ive done it before until im at my families door
10.
Parting Gift 02:31
i wont be here much longer so come & make your peace i must admit ive grown stronger i put me down w/ease i make myself worthless dead weight for you to lift i'm giving you a way out & thats my parting gift you decide this time it hurts to think that im a bother little kid hogging up all the space you remind me of my mother & father cant even look me in the face sifting thru the past lifted me up - & im falling fast decades of shame, guilt, & doubt i lock you in, i numb you out

about

Recorded in my basement & the Bud Osborn Creation Space

Tape // mini comic coming eventually

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released June 30, 2019

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about

TJ Felix

just a homesick Qelmucw on stolen land

live band =
Phoenix on bass
Felonious Parker on drums
Matt on guitar /sax

(FKA industrial priest overcoats)

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